George Washington with speech bubble speaking about content of the article.

The Dead Elephant in the Room.

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Dearest “Republican” Americans,

Thou are truly blundering my whole idea of America. Oh, what fools has thou become.

Was not my correspondence received? In regarding, well…the entirety of my farewell speech? Do you recall, the one part of how parties would be the end of us? I sent it to the printing press, made sure Martha proofread it too, but sadly, it’s fell on deaf ears.

For a plethora of reasons, I think it’s important to make one thing crystal clear. If you’re still, what you call a “republican”, and think that an assault on our citadel of democracy is just okay and we can get past it for the sake of “unity”…what values does thou stand for then? It’s quite blinding to me.

In my time as the first president of these United States, I was no stranger to hearing of what others thought I should do, or what we wanted our nation to look like. At one point, people even wanted me to be a king! But you know what I did, as a selflessly dashing countryman who believes in the sanctity of our union? I told them “No.”

I put this nation’s future over selfish ideals and made sure that I thought about the implications of my actions as an individual, and as a leader. And that’s what I call upon you to do, in this posthumous letter that I am writing to you in a more modern-day writing style from the dead.

I truly do implore you, in the most objective sense, to think about what you believe is true to the values in which have defined the identity of your party, as well as what is best for the state of our union, and what seems normal and what doesn’t.

If things appear to be more “questionable”, and that everyone is “out to get our nation”, it seems like you’re falling subdue to the work of those with not your best interests. In my time, those colonists who distracted from the birth of our independent nation, even created an entire newspaper to sway people to believe that being part of the British empire was better than our own independence. It is with my full heart, that you don’t fall into these fallacies looking to grab your attention, and fuel you with fear; I urge you all to look at things in the most objective sense and speak with more than those who always agree with.

I’ve noticed that certain citizens in your party make such a fuss about random events when one President does something, and one doesn’t, and so forth. While this happens term to term (from what I have seen from beyond the grave), there’s a blinding double standard that is one of the sharpest between our most recent, and most different, Presidents: #44 and #45.

Why was it okay to critique a former President on his wearing of a tan suit rather than not criticizing another former President for lying to the American people regarding the severity of one of the worst scourges in our nation’s history, COVID-19?

Why has it been commonplace to attack, on this so-called “social media” sitting members of congress with inflammatory visuals including advanced versions of muskets for political purposes? (and p.s. Our muskets can do a lot less damage than whatever that contraption is. When we said “bear arms”, we didn’t expect guns would get that destructive…Oh, but I digress.)

But most importantly…why have we normalized an attack on the democratic Institutions by rejecting truth about the legitmacy of our systsems? Has thou forgot that so many American Patriots gave their lives for, and to create, a more perfect Union?

On January 6th, (I’m not sure if anyone heard under all the noise from the insurrection on the Hill), but I was, truly, turning inside of my coffin. For the amount of Americans who believe that our election was rigged, even after our own internal investigation service cited there was no fraud, I am speechless. No state official has found any evidence of this so-called “rigged election”, and as the first President of these United States, I worry about the fruits that will bear from these seeds of this doubt.

If you’re okay with your party being associated with people who still don’t believe in the legitimacy of the certification of an election then quite frankly, you are the problem.

Maybe there were some human errors when it was ballots by candlelight, but…this is bad.

So my fellow Americans who want to get out of this madness, here’s what I say to you: disassociate. Cut off ties with a party that is embracing nationialistic and corrosive thought just for the sake of political theatre and working to destroy the framework of this nation.

We’re better than this. We’ve gotten past so much more problematic things. (*Cough* Like the fact that I was a slave owner but the nation is just okay with that, I guess? *Cough*) I know we can once again reject this nonsense and create a political system that is built on respect and actual issues — not on one that demonizes anyone who doesn’t respect the truth and pure facts. At the end of the day, no one party can single-handedly destroy America — we’d all be responsible.

To me, it’s pretty clear. You either work to be part of a political party that doesn’t work to undermine confidence in the United States, or you aren’t. I’ll leave you with words from my Farewell Address, for your contemplation.

“However [political parties] may now and then answer popular ends, they are likely in the course of time and things, to become potent engines, by which cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men will be enabled to subvert the power of the people and to usurp for themselves the reins of government, destroying afterwards the very engines which have lifted them to unjust dominion.” (Farewell Address)

I call upon you, my fellow Americans to help speak truth to power, and preserve our union.

With esteem, I am Sir Yr Most Obedt Servt,

Former President George Washington, very posthumously and very satirically attempted.

*Writers Note, the following is a satirical op-ed for a student project in the form of a letter from a more modern, and forward-thinking, George Washington.

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Former President George Washington (satire)
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